The Four Horsemen

In relationships, conflict is inevitable—but how we handle it can make all the difference. Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research has identified four negative communication patterns, known as The Four Horsemen, that can predict the end of a relationship if left unchecked. Understanding these patterns is crucial for strengthening your bond and preventing damage.

Criticism: Attacking your partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. This often leads to feelings of defensiveness and resentment.

Contempt: Expressing disgust or superiority towards your partner. This is the most damaging of the four and is often linked to physical health problems in relationships.

Defensiveness: Responding to perceived attacks with excuses or counterattacks, rather than taking responsibility and working toward a solution.

Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation emotionally or physically, leaving the partner feeling ignored or rejected.

The science behind these behaviors shows that when the Four Horsemen are present, they activate the body’s stress response, creating a toxic cycle that erodes trust, intimacy, and emotional connection.

However, the good news is that these patterns are not inevitable. Gottman’s research also suggests that repair attempts—efforts to de-escalate tension and reconnect—are key to breaking the cycle. Acknowledging and addressing these negative behaviors, along with fostering positive communication and emotional support, can help combat the Four Horsemen and restore a healthy dynamic in the relationship.

Recognizing and addressing these patterns early can prevent long-term damage and help you build a stronger, more resilient relationship.